Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
