i don't like sucking hair
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
