Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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