Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
