I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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