he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
