This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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