Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Enjoy the penises
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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