I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
