Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
