break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
