She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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