Your dad touched me again.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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