Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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