i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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