i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
