Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
