Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize