I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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