i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
