I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize