do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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