As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
