I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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