Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
