weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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