I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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