take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
