I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
