I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
