Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
They took my balls.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
