i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
