Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize