I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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