I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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