What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
