My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
