Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
