What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
