One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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