Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
