Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
