i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
