So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
