hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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