He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
