Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
