we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is my gift to your gina
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
