Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I believe in your delicious
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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