I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
we're so committed to being not committed
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
