ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
