I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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