mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
