when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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