the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
