Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize