I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
