I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Randomize
