Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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