checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
