I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This is my gift to your gina
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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