Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
