My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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