i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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