I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
