my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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